


Five Times Sirius Found Remus and the One Time Remus Found Sirius

by transteverogers



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: 5+1 Things, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - No Voldemort, Librarian Remus Lupin, M/M, Teacher Sirius Black, Trans Male Character, Trans Remus Lupin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-25
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2019-02-20 14:36:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13148724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/transteverogers/pseuds/transteverogers
Summary: The first time Sirius comes into the library at Hogwarts is, in fact, not the first time he’s come into the library. Contrary to popular belief, Sirius did know where the library was during his time there as a student. This is the first time, however, Sirius has come into the library as the transfiguration professor. The librarian is not Madame Prince, thankfully, instead it's a thin man with a name plate denoting him as R. J. Lupin.





	Five Times Sirius Found Remus and the One Time Remus Found Sirius

**Author's Note:**

> pls love me @ [tumblr](http://festivetransteve.tumblr.com/)
> 
> written for @ hogwartsschoolnet 's winter giveaway

___________1___________

 

The first time Sirius comes into the library at Hogwarts is, in fact, not the first time he’s come into the library. Contrary to popular belief, Sirius did know where the library was during his time there as a student. This is the first time, however, Sirius has come into the library as the transfiguration professor. The librarian is not Madame Prince, thankfully, because he’s not 100% sure she wouldn’t just throw him out on sight, regardless of the fact that he’s not a student anymore.

 

Instead, a thin man is standing behind the counter. His glass slip down his scared nose and he reaches up absentmindedly to push them back up as he continues reading his book. The cover isn’t moving so Sirius assumes it’s a muggle book. He’s never seen one before and he’s rather quite intrigued by both it and its owner. Sirius comes up to the desk and leans on it, reading over the name placement on the it. R. J. Lupin. The last name rings a bell with Sirius but he’s not sure from where. Maybe Lupin was a year above or below, or in a different house. Sirius had rarely socialised outside of his year or house (rarely socialised outside of James- and later, Lily).

 

Lupin is so involved in his book he doesn’t look up until Sirius lets out a small cough, clearing his throat. He looks startled, almost comically, and blinks owlishly at Sirius through his glasses and thin eyelashes. “Um, hello.” He says. His voice is light and airy, betraying an exhaustion that matches the bags under his eyes. “Can I help you?”

 

“I’m-” Sirius begins to say but Lupin interupts him.

 

“Sirius Black, transfiguration professor.” He folds the corner of his book page and puts it down. “We went to school together.”

 

“Well you seem to know who I am, and all I know is your last name and initials.” Sirius says, not in the least bit embarrassed that he doesn’t remember Lupin.

 

“Remus Lupin.” He introduces himself.

 

Sirius stares at Remus for a couple moments, trying to figure out why he looks so familiar before it hits him. “You wouldn’t happen to be related to Rosie Lupin would you?”

 

Remus looks uncomfortable and reaches up to adjust his glasses, not really moving them but more out of an anxious habit. “I wouldn’t say… related.” He mumbles.

 

Sirius carries on, as if he doesn’t hear Remus. “Man, she hated me. She was a prefect from Ravenclaw, and she seemed to always catch me and Prongs- James Potter, I mean- out of after hours.”

 

“She didn’t hate you.” Remus says uncomfortably.

 

“So you do know her?” Sirius presses. “What’s she up to?”

 

Remus sighs, looking at him and squaring his shoulders slightly. “You’re looking at ‘her’”

 

“Uh- what.” Sirius says flatly, extremely confused. “You? But you said- you look-”

 

“I was Rosie Lupin or I mean.” Remus huffs, flustered. “I was never really her but everyone thought I was- I’m trans.” He pauses. “Trans is transgender, someone who’s gender doesn’t match their sex.” He took a breath, shaking very slightly. “I am Remus Lupin, regardless of anything else.”

 

Sirius is silent for a second before- “Wait what do you mean you never hated me?”

 

Remus blinks once, twice, three times before- “That’s what you latch onto?”

 

Sirius shrugs. “You’re a dude, alright not like I can tell you anything else.” He shifts, both arms resting on Remus’s desk now as he leans half onto it. “But I distinctly remember you hating me and James, but especially me.”

 

Remus gives him a small smile and he shakes his head before adjusting his glasses this time, taking them off his face entirely. He sets them down on the desk and puts the book down next to them, cover up. “You two were assholes but you made patrols interesting.”

 

“Interesting assholes.” Sirius laughs. “Yeah, sounds about right.”

 

Remus laughs softly as well. “So,” he says in a tone indicating a complete subject change. “What brings you to the library?” A small, teasing smile crosses his lips. “How long did it take the infamous Sirius Black to find this place, anyways?”

 

“Ha ha.” Sirius says dryly, but he’s grinning too. “I’ll have you know I did my stints in here in fifth and seventh year.”

 

Remus lets out a groan. “God those were the worst years. I can’t tell you how many break downs I had in fifth and seventh year.”

 

“But you were a Ravenclaw, aren’t you all geniuses or something?”

 

Remus shakes his head. “God, I was abysmal at potions. Poor Slughorn, having to put up with that.” He laughs.

 

“Well it’s nice to know you have at least one fault.” Sirius teases.

 

Remus flushes and scratches his nose. “So um, your reason for visiting this humble corner of the school?”

 

“Right!” Sirius says and reaches into one of his pockets before frowning. “Sorry, I’ve got it here somewhere…” He trails off, checking his other pockets before finally pulling up a crumbled peace of parchment from one of his pockets. “Here it is.” He hands it to Remus and Remus reads, in Sirius’s own messy, slightly smudged handwriting, Advanced Human Transfiguration. “My seventh year class is clambering for information about animaguses.”

 

Remus steps out from behind his desk, grabbing the set of keys for the restricted section from behind his desk. He leads Sirius through the stacks with ease as he yammers on about his seventh year class. Remus is really only half listening as he speaks as he inserts the key and unlocking the section as Sirius says something else that catches his attention. “Hey did they ever make it so you can’t just charm the door open?”

 

“What?” He asks, surprised.

 

Sirius grins. “Look, lock the door again.” Remus complies, watching Sirius closely. He pulls out his wand, using his left hand (Remus supposes that’s why his writing was slightly smudged), he mutters “Alohomora.” The doors swings open, much to Remus’s surprise. “You guys should probably fix that.” He says, stepping into the restricted section.

 

Remus follows after him as Sirius moves through the section with a familiarity he probably shouldn’t have, but given that they’re not students anymore Remus can’t really fault him for his past rule-breaking. Sirius stops at the shelf holding the book and leans down, reading the spines to find the one he’s looking for. Remus ducks down as well, and finds it before Sirius. He grabs it, putting it face up on a higher up shelf as he stands up and takes his wand out. He waves the wand over it, muttering a couple times before handing it to Sirius. “That should stop it from screaming or anything like that.”

 

“Oh so the books aren’t supposed to scream at you?” Sirius says, taking it and flipping it to the index page. Over the top of the book, Remus can read the first few chapter titles, along the lines of beauty spells and partial growth spells.

 

“Not regularly.” Remus says dryly, motioning for Sirius to go before him and lead the way out.

 

Sirius looks mock-scandalised. “Why, good sir, do you not trust me?”

 

Remus barks out a laugh, but it’s not harsh or unkind. “Not at all Black.”

 

“You wound me.” Sirius places a hand over his heart but leads the way out anyways, flipping the book back open as he scans the chapter titles again. They walk back over to Remus’s desk and Sirius places the book on it, handing it over. Remus flips to the back of it and pulls out the small rectangular piece of paper in the back of it. He writes Sirius Black in his own chicken scrawl and placed it in the ‘out’ file box on his desk before handing it back to Sirius.

 

“Alright, I’ll expect to see this book back in 3 weeks,” Remus says, smiling slightly. “You won’t be able to hide from me.”

 

Sirius grins wildly at him and winks. “Now dear Remy, why would I hide from your handsome face?”

 

Remus flushes a soft pink while only causes Sirius to grin wider. He sighs and taps the desk a couple times before turning to leave, all but skipping out of the library.

 

___________2___________

 

Sirius comes into the library a lot of the next month and a half. Most of the time, he doesn’t seem to really need anything. He just comes into the library, looking like Adonis reborn and flirting, maybe, with Remus. It messes him up. A lot.

 

Remus is sitting behind his desk, another muggle book in his hands but this time, he’s not as immersed in it. His eyes move off the page and onto his watch, idly wonder how much longer until dinner when a black blur followed by a white streak rush through his library doors.

 

The black dog runs right behind the desk, hiding behind Remus’s stool as the white cat moves to follow it, hissing. The dog whimpers, and looks up at Remus, as if begging him to do something. Remus puts his book down, turning to look at the cat. “Honestly you damned cat,” He sighs and leans down to pick up the cat who just hisses and backs away. Remus stands up and fixes the cat with an unimpressed stare. “Fine, be that way you little asshole.” He turns, coming face to face with the black dog as it jumps up happily to lick Remus’s face. Remus turns his face so the dog can’t lick at it and gently pushes it down to the floor. “Down boy.” He laughs.

 

The dog lands easily on its four legs before winding its way around Remus’s legs, rubbing against them in an almost cat like way. Remus barely has to reach down to scratch behind one of its ears causing it to pause and raising its back leg, kicking out wildly in pleasure. Remus stops after a moment, half afraid that the dog is going to knock something over with its leg. The dog lets out a small whine but he doesn’t press for more rubs. Instead, he lays down, curled around Remus’s stool as he gets back onto it, and grabs his book.

 

Remus doesn’t open it, just holds it for a second before sighing and putting it down. He gets up again and heads over to the small stack of books he needs to return to the proper place. The dog’s head moves and, when it realises Remus is leaving, he quickly gets to his feet and follows Remus.

 

Quickly, they’re far enough in the stacks that Remus isn’t seeing any students (not that he sees all that many in the middle of the day, most students are in classes), he begins to talk quietly to the dog. At first, it’s just about the book he’s reading and how it’s rather boring to him but after a couple moments his mind shifts to Sirius. “He’s a bit odd.” Remus says truthfully, making a left and walking half way down an aisle before stopping to put one of the books back on the bottom shelf. “I mean, he’s not a bad odd, just an odd.”

 

The dog barked softly, as if he was asking Remus why.

 

Remus shrugs and starts walking again. “He’s always coming in here and I know most of the time he doesn’t actually need to so why is he coming?” He sighs. “I wonder if it’s just because we’re the two youngest teachers here? I mean, I know it’s always weird talking to professor McGonagall - I mean, Minerva. It’s just weird.” Remus says. “I mean she keeps telling me to call her Minerva and it just feels so wrong, you know?” He turns, looking the dog in the eyes. “Although I don’t think it’s that, honestly… I’ve heard Sirius refer to her a Minnie, for Merlin’s sake.”

 

The dog cocks it head to the side.

 

Remus shakes his head. “You’re a dog, you have no idea what I’m saying.” He tucks the last two books into the first shelf off the aisle. “Well it doesn’t hurt to vent.” He pauses for a second. “You don’t think it’s, like weird do you? I mean,” He sighs, stopping and leaning against a book shelf. “I just want to know why Sirius is always visiting me.” He pauses and then says quietly. “I don’t mind it.”

 

The dog woofs softly and comes up close to Remus, pressing his face into Remus’s thigh and whining softly. Remus let his hand tangle into the dog’s soft fur, running it gently over him for who knows how long. He only stops when he hears a bell ring in the distance. “You should go find whatever student owns you.” He says softly, feeling gently around the neck for a tag. There isn’t one and Remus frowns. “Honestly, these students… just because it’s a castle doesn’t mean you shouldn’t collar your animal if you’re letting it wander the halls.”

 

Remus gets up off the bookshelf and begins walking back to the desk. He stops after a moment, realising the dog isn’t following him. “Well c’mon then.” He says and the dog barks happily, bounding after Remus.

 

___________3___________

 

Sirius keeps visiting Remus.

 

Remus doesn’t mind, not really.

 

(Maybe, under threat of the Dementor’s Kiss, he’d even admit that he likes when Sirius visits).

 

The past few weeks, Sirius has somehow made time to visit everyday, and walked him to dinner most nights. The only nights Sirius hasn’t walked Remus to dinner, were the nights around the full moon. Remus tires too easily the days before and after, exhausted from lack of sleep and nerves about his transformation.

 

It’s only three days before the next full moon, and Remus wants nothing more than to go to bed, curl up and try not to die, or something equally dramatic. He’s sitting at his desk with his head down and eyes closed, almost fully asleep when he hears someone walk up to the desk. Remus sighs softly, hoping its not the same second year who keeps coming to ask him ridiculous questions about potions (Remus is not the potions master. Remus barely passed potions. Remus just wants to sleep).

 

Remus pulls his head up and his face to face with Sirius’s concerned grey eyes. “You ok Remmy?” He asks, voice light and almost teasing but the concern is written everywhere on his face.

 

Remus sits up, moving a little further back from Sirius. He doesn’t particularly want to, but he knows nothing good would come out of it. “Just a poor sleep is all.” He gives Sirius a tired smile. “I’m fine, really.” He adds, seeing Sirius’s face is no less concerned.

 

Sirius looks unconvinced but he lets it drop. “If you’re sure.” He pauses and looks off, unsure of what to say.

 

Remus uses this time to take him in, eyes drinking the sight that is Sirius Black. His long hair has been pulled back onto the top of his head in a messy bun, loose strands falling everywhere. His robes, which would look expensive and dignified on anyone else, look devilish and rebellious on him. He looks good. Remus sighs. He looks too good. “Long day?” Is what Remus ends up saying, not something stupid like _you look good_ or _you’d look even better in my bed with nothing on._

 

Sirius shrugs and flashes Remus a grin. “Better now that I’m with my favourite guy.” He winks, for extra measure.

 

Remus turns pink and he looks down, picking at his nails. He looks around, at something (anything) to help him spur a conversation because Merlin knows Remus has no idea what to do with compliments. He spies a pile of books that he’s been meaning to shelve. “Why don’t you help me shelve this stuff then?” He says to Sirius, motioning to the cart.

 

Sirius takes the change of topic in stride and begins to pull his wand out.

 

“Oh- no, we have to do it the muggle way.” Remus says quickly, hand reaching out and putting it on Sirius’s arm without fully thinking. He pauses, blushing as he feels the warmth coming from Sirius and quickly pulls his hand back. “The books don’t like it when I use magic to shelve them.”

 

“The books don’t like it?” Sirius looks at him, voice betraying his disbelief.

 

Remus smiles, knowing the same disbelief. “I mean- you’re welcome to try it.” He pauses and grabs a book for a section nearby and places it on the desk in front of Sirius. “Really, go for it.”

 

Sirius raises an eyebrow at Remus and pulls his wand out, waving it at the book. It moves back to the shelf and stays there for all of a second before flying back out and towards Sirius. He barely ducks in time and Remus grabs the book out of the air, laughing. “You let me do that even though you knew it was going to try and murder me?” Sirius gasps out, popping back up.

 

Remus only laughs harder as he puts the book back on the cart before pushing it out from behind the desk. “They also do that if you’ve put them in the wrong place.”

 

“Well at least now I know why Pince always had a stick up her ass.” Sirius mutters, following behind Remus. “She was constantly under attack.”

 

“Are you saying I, as another librarian, also have a stick up my ass?” Remus asks, arching a brow at Sirius.

 

Sirius grins at him and shamelessly checks out Remus’s ass, “I think I’d have to do a more thorough check to be sure.”

 

Remus laughs and brushes some hair out of his face. He parks the cart at the end of an isle and grabs the books, shifting them onto his hip as he carries them down, checking the numbers as he goes. He pauses after a couple shelves, grabbing the books for that section and putting them into the proper place. “So how are Barnes and Rogers coming along?” He asks slyly, remembering all of Sirius’s whining about his two 7th years.

 

Sirius audibly groans and takes the book off the top of Remus’s pile. “If those two boys don’t get rid of whatever the hell sexual tension they’ve got going on between them, I swear someone’s gonna choke on it and die.”

 

Remus laughs again, putting another book back. Sirius looks over at him and smiles softly, different from his others. This one seems softer, almost shyer. He reaches out and brushes a piece of Remus’s hair back but it’s too short and falls back into his eyes. “I think I need a hair cut.” Remus says softly, feeling like he needs to fill the space between them with something but not speaking loud enough to disturb it.

 

Sirius hums and absentmindedly shoves the book he’s holding on the shelf to free up his other hand. He takes a step forward and Remus doesn’t move. They’re standing practically toe-to-toe now, Sirius’s hand still cupping his face from when he brushed Remus’s hair away. Remus swallows slightly, and glances up through his eyelashes at Sirius, unsure of what to do next. He can feel his stomach flipping and attempting to break free from his body. He’s almost sure Sirius can hear his heart pounding. Sirius leans forward slightly, their noses brushing and-

 

There’s a loud whacking noise and Sirius swears as his head flies forward, knocking into Remus’s.

 

It’s decidedly very unromantic.

 

On the ground behind Sirius, is the book he had just shoved onto the shelves. He turns around and picks it up, leaving Remus to look down at the books in his own hands.

 

He’s never felt so betrayed by books in his life.

 

___________4___________

 

Remus pulls his travelling cloak tighter around him as he hurries out the front doors of Hogwarts, keeping his eyes and ears open. Winter was always the worst for transformations. The nights were so long, meaning he had to leave the warm castle even earlier, making it more and more likely to run into students or other teachers. Remus was usually a fan of the cold weather, but unless he wanted to destroy his clothing, he had to get naked in the middle of winter and that was not what he called a fun time.

 

The sun was just beginning to set over the Quidditch pitch as Remus made his way along the grounds towards the Whomping Willow. The wind was whipping his coat everywhere and he almost didn’t hear the noise of something- someone- following him. Remus stopped and turned around, wand at the ready.

 

10 feet away and almost directly behind him was the black dog. Remus had seen it around the castle after the first run-in at the library and, every now and again, the dog visited him personally there. Usually, Remus would spare him some time to play with him but now was not the time. Remus lowered his wand, heart pounding in his chest. The dog’s head turned, almost as if to ask Remus a question. Remus only made a shooing motion with his hands. “Go, get.” He said firmly.

 

The dog seemed to not understand Remus (go figures, Remus thinks bitterly, it’s a dog and you’re human for a little bit longer) and it simply bounces towards Remus, rubbing against his legs. Remus tries to push him off but the dog whines, wanting pets and love. Remus glances nervously over at the setting sun. He has, at most, an hour to before the moon begins to rise.

 

“GO!” He shouts at the dog, roughly pushing it. The dog whines but it moves off of him, looking up at Remus with it’s grey eyes. They look familiar but Remus can’t place them (and, honestly, a dog with familiar eyes is the last thing on his mind). Remus continues his brisk walk to the willow but the dog is persistent, following at Remus’s heels.

 

Remus stops again, glancing at the sun another time. It seems to be sinking faster than normal, but, logically, Remus knew it was just his paranoia. It felt like, at any moment, someone was going to look out the window and see him standing there. Remus sighs and crouches down to the dogs level. “You need to leave.” Remus says softly, running his hands through the dogs fur. He thinks, if this was a cat, it would’ve started purring.

 

This is a dog though, so instead of purring it just barks, loudly, at Remus. Remus looks up, trying to see if anyone heard it and looked out. He can’t see anything though and he looks at the sun again. He sighs. “Fuck, fine, follow me you stupid dog.” He all but growls. He can’t turn animals and the dog is big enough that he would be able to put up a fight against the wolf anyways, should the wolfsbane not work.

 

Remus resumes his fast walk to the willow, his wand already out to cast a wordless spell to stop the tree from attacking him. He slides under the root, the dog still following him as he begins the long trek down hall towards his monthly hell.

 

___________5___________

 

The next few days are an exhausted blur, between the full moon and a couple of students turning isle four of the library into lava. Remus collapses into bed each night, head swimming with thoughts of the dog that spent the full moon with him and of Sirius, who keeps coming back even though Remus has been too busy with students and their books to have a real conversation with him.

 

It seems like it’s been months since they’ve been able talk properly but in actuality, it’s no more than a week. It’s Friday, just after dinner’s started when Sirius comes in. Remus is sitting at the desk, having finished shelve the books just moments before and was looking forward to the quit break that always accompanied dinner. There were a couple students too involved in their studies to realise what time it was, but rarely did these students request anything of Remus. All in all, it was looking to be a nice, quiet hour.

 

“Professor Black.” Remus greets Sirius, grin on his face.

 

Sirius makes a face. “Merlin, sometimes I forget that I’m one of those.” He laughs. “How are you this fine evening, Mr. Lupin?”

 

The response is spoken before Remus can think twice about it. “Better, now that you’re here.”

 

Sirius face goes a delightful pink at that response but he doesn’t react otherwise. “What’re you up to this weekend?”

 

“Nothing, why?” Remus answers automatically and Sirius all but lights up.

 

“I was just thinking- maybe you and I could get a drink? At the Three Broomsticks or- or if you’d prefer, the Hogs Head?” He looks uncharacteristically nervous.

 

Remus picks up on it almost right away. Sirius Black is asking him out on a date. The first feeling in him is disbelief (the Sirius Black is asking him, Remus Lupin, on a date? And he’s nervous?). The next one is pure giddiness, the fact that Sirius Black likes him back makes him want to run around like a fool. The happiness is gone almost as quickly as it came though, the exhaustion from the last full moon still heavy on his body. He couldn’t imagine Sirius would want to date him after he found out that Remus wasn’t even human, legally speaking.

 

There’s a small part of him that wonders, hopes, that maybe Sirius would still want him even when he found out that Remus was a werewolf.

 

The small part of him was quickly beaten into submission, the rest of Remus knowing full well how the wizarding community at large looked at him.

 

Remus tries to give Sirius a smile, but he’s sure it came off more of a grimace. “I don’t think you really want that.” He says softly. As much as he knows he should just turn Sirius down flat, he can’t.

 

“I know I want that, that’s why I’m asking.” Sirius is frowning now. “Generally people just say no when they don’t want to go on a date, not try some bullshit reverse psychology shit.”

 

“I- it’s not like I don’t want to-” It’s out of Remus’s mouth before he can stop himself.

 

Sirius crosses his arms, looking at Remus straight on. Remus shrinks under his glaze, trying to make himself smaller. He’s not that much taller to begin with (he only has a couple inches on Sirius), but he’s never wanted to shrink so bad in his life. “Well, we’re both adults it’s not like there’s anything holding us back.”

 

“I- we’re colleagues.” Remus knows this argument is weak and he knows Sirius knows it too.

 

Sirius levels him with a harsh look. “Give me a proper reason Remus.”

 

Remus looks down at his thin fingers, worrying them over each other and pulling at them. He isn’t sure what to say so instead, he looks around. “Maybe- maybe we could continue this in my office?” He asks in a small voice, noticing how many students were sitting around in hearing distance.

 

Sirius looks around too. He sighs but nods, motioning for Remus to lead the way. Remus opens the door behind his desk, holding it open so Sirius can follow in behind him. He closes it and casts a muffling charm, just as a precaution. The last thing he wants is rumours about him and/or Sirius.

 

“I still want a proper reason Remus. I think I deserve that much, as your friend.”

 

Remus is thrown by this last word. “My friend?” He asks, voice honest in it’s question. It’s not malice, but genuine curiosity.

 

“Merlin’s Beard, yes, we’re friends!” Sirius says (shouts, really- he doesn’t have good volume control at the best of times). “Do you really think I’d visit someone who wasn’t my friend everyday for months?”

 

Remus looks down and scuffs his feet, embarrassed. “I wouldn’t know, I didn’t really have friends at Hogwarts.”

 

“I- wait, what?” Sirius seems to be thrown for a loop. “What about- Evans? You two seemed close and- what was her name? The Ravenclaw you were always with? Taylor- Tyler?”

 

“Arianna Tyler, yes.” Remus says. “We weren’t really friends- just more out of necessity. And- and I haven’t talked to her since I came out and transitioned.” He shrugs, not really wanting to get into his past. He loved- still loves- Hogwarts but his experience with the people hadn’t always been the most… enjoyable, to say the least.

 

Sirius looks thrown for a loop, as if he hadn’t been expecting this. “I- I just mean- you’re rather quite lovely, Remus.” He’s mumbling by the end of his sentence, talking more to his feet than Remus. “Anyone would be lucky to be your friend and I- I’d hope you counted me among them.”

 

“I do.” Remus answers automatically and, he’s surprised to find he’s not lying. He truly does count Sirius among his friends (although, he wonders for a split second if the plural form is the right form to use) but it makes everything he’s doing by saying no to a date that much more important. He can’t let Sirius get close to him, not when Remus was, quite literally, liable to kill him. “I just-”

 

“If you don’t like me- that’s fine I just- I thought you did?” Sirius looks up and Remus’s heart does a weird dance in his chest.

 

“I-” He cuts himself off this time, harshly biting his lip. He can’t bring himself to lie to Sirius though, not when he’s looking at Remus like that. “I do.” He says softly. “It’s just- it can’t work.”

 

“Why not?” Sirius all but demands, stepping towards Remus.

 

Remus takes a step back, even though all he wants is to step towards Sirius’s warmth, to fall into him. He can’t though, Remus knows this. “It just can’t work.”

 

Sirius steps forward again and Remus takes a step back but he doesn’t get far. His back hits the wall and Sirius steps forward once more, almost pressing against him. “That’s not a reason Remus.”

 

Remus looks upwards, needing to look anywhere but Sirius’s face. He’s sure, if he keeps looking into those grey eyes, the truth would come out. “Sirius please.” He says quietly.

 

“It’s not because you’re trans, is it?” Sirius asks and it throws Remus for such a loop he looks down, locking eyes with him.

 

“I- what?” He says, completely confused. “Why would it?”

 

Sirius shrugs. “I don’t know. Maybe you thought I didn’t want to be with you because of it. I don’t care.” He flushes. “I mean, I care because it’s you and I care about you but I don’t care that you’re trans it’s not- I don’t have an issue with it or anything like that.”

 

Remus bites his lip. “It’s not because I’m trans… it doesn’t have to do with that.” He says quietly. Maybe, if he was better at this (lying, communicating, whatever was happening between him and Sirius), he could just say that it is because he’s trans, that he didn’t want to date anyone because of it but… it felt wrong. It felt wrong to use his gender as a cover for the thing he hates most about himself.

 

“Then what is it Remus?” Sirius persists. “If you’re saying no, fine, but- as your friend- I deserve to know why.”

 

Remus bites his lip, worrying it between his teeth as he tries to think of something to say, but he can’t lie to Sirius, not like this and not over something like this. “I’m a werewolf.” He says it so quietly that, at first, he’s almost sure Sirius didn’t hear it until-

 

“Well, yeah, I knew that.”

 

“What?” Remus’s head shoots up, looking Sirius in the eyes. “You knew I was a werewolf?”

 

Sirius looks sheepish. “I- to be fair, the werewolf registry is accessible to the public but uh- mainly because-” he looks nervous now. “Well, I suppose it might be better to just show you.” He takes a step back and inhales softly and, suddenly, the big black dog is standing in front of Remus.

 

“You- I- You’re an animagus!” Remus all but shouts and, suddenly, it makes sense. All the nights when Sirius didn’t visit him, but the dog did, or how Sirius often seemed braver (or at least, more overt in his advances) after Remus spent time talking about him to the dog.

 

“Guilty as charged.” Sirius had turned back and suddenly, looking straight at him, Remus is filled with rage.

 

“You should have told me!” He shouts, stepping towards Sirius. “Here I was- talking to you about how- how much I liked you and you were what? Using it for a laugh?” As soon as it’s out of his mouth, Remus regrets it. He knows Sirius’s feelings for him and more than that, he knows Sirius. He knows Sirius would never do something that cruel.

 

“A laugh?” Sirius gapes at him before his face morphs into a glare. “It’s not like I was the only one keeping secrets, some people would argue it’s a lot worse to be a werewolf than an animagus!”

 

Remus nods. Finally, Sirius was getting it. “Exactly.” He sighs, suddenly tired. “Sirius, we can’t- even if we both want to, it wouldn’t be right, not to you.”

 

Sirius seems to be getting whiplash from Remus’s sudden deflating anger (and Remus can’t blame him, he’s getting it too from his own feelings and he wants nothing more than to go back to his room and go to sleep but he can’t). “I- Remus, I don’t care that you’re a blasted werewolf!”

 

“Well you should!” He runs a hand through his hair, tugging on it. “Merlin’s pants, you spent the last full moon with me! You should be very aware of how monstrous I can become!”

 

Sirius levels him with a look. “You curled up in a corner and slept for most of the night.”

 

“Yes, after attacking you!” Remus never fully remembers full moons, but with the potions at least he remembers bits and pieces of it.

 

“Please, if that’s you attacking someone I think I’m fine.” Sirius crosses his arms. He looks stubborn, set in his way and part of Remus falls for him.

 

Remus sighs. “Sirius no.” Sirius opens his mouth to speak but he holds up a hand. “Let me speak ok?” Sirius looks like he wants to interrupt already but he holds his tongue and nods. “Thank you.” Remus pauses for a moment, letting himself gather his thoughts completely. “I like you, I swear, I do. You are…” He smiles at Sirius. “An incredibly smart and kind and brave man.” Sirius flushes. “But… to date a werewolf… you would be shunned by society and your friends- it’s not the same Sirius. I can’t put you through that.”

 

“You don’t think I’m already shunned for being queer?” Sirius raises an eyebrow. “Besides- my friends don’t care, James and Lily are better people than that.”

 

Remus shakes his head. “You don’t know that until you tell them and by then, it’s too late.”

 

“Remus-”

 

“Sirius, I think it’s best you leave.” Remus says quickly, like he should have said ages ago- months, really. He never should have become friends with Sirius, much less flirted with him or even entertained the idea of liking him.

 

“Remus…” Sirius says again, reaching out of him.

 

Remus only steps out of the way and opens his office door. “Please Sirius… just go.”

 

Sirius looks ready to say something, mouth open but he pauses, looking at Remus. He must see something on Remus’s face, tell that he’s being serious because Sirius just closes his mouth and nods. He starts to leave but pauses in the doorway, unsure but not looking back to Remus. It takes a moment, but he resumes walking, not looking back once.

 

___________+1___________

 

It had been 12 days 17 hours and- Remus glances at the clock- 33 minutes since Sirius walked out of his office. Not once had Sirius visited Remus but that’s what he wanted. He, Remus John Lupin, wanted this.

 

He, Remus John Lupin, does not want this.

 

Remus sighs and grabs the lonely book on his cart and makes his way through the stacks, more for something to do rather than to actually shelve it.

 

It had been 12 days 17 hours and 34 minutes since Sirius had walked out of his office.

 

When Remus returns to his desk there’s an old woman standing in front of it, with an air of authority around her. “Professor McGonagall.” He stated before he remembered his manners. “What can I help you with?”

 

“I’ve told you it’s Minerva now Remus, you’re no longer a student.” She replies, her voice not unkind.

 

“What can I help you with then, Minerva?” Remus asks politely. The name feels weird on his tongue but he can’t deny his boss’s request.

 

“Perhaps an explanation as to why my transfiguration professor has been in such a mopey state lately?” She asks, eyebrow raised.

 

“I do believe that’s private professor.” Remus response before he can stop himself. He winces. “I just mean-”

 

McGonagall waves him off. “You are correct Remus, however as this is a staff matter I thought perhaps I would be best to involve myself.” She hesitates for a moment. “I taught both you and Black throughout your years here and while I was never particularly close with you Remus, I did have a certain… fondness for Mr. Black. I must admit, I still do.”

 

“Favouritism among your staff headmistress? That’s hardly professional.” Remus says before he can stop himself and he winces again. Merlin’s pants, he needs to stop putting his foot in his mouth.

 

“I can be fond and still be impartial Mr. Lupin.” McGonagall says with a raised brow. “That explanation would be greatly appreciated.” She adds.

 

Remus sighs and feels, after being rude to her twice, she’s owed at least some form of explanation. “We had a disagreement.” He settles on.

 

“A disagreement?” She echos.

 

Remus nods. “A disagreement.”

 

“About what?”

 

Remus pauses but begins to explain, quickly and in as little detail as he can muster. “We were… courting each other, of sorts. Only Sirius wished to take me on a date and I refused. He wanted to know why and I told him about my… infection.”

 

McGonagall gave him a look of disbelief. “I’ve known Mr. Black for 13 years and I can’t imagine him being anti-werewolf.”

 

“He’s not.” Remus admits with a harsh sigh. “But he doesn’t understand.”

 

“He’s a very intelligent young man, I find that hard to believe.” McGonagall says flatly and Remus bites back a groan.

 

He’s thankful that McGonagall hired him, he doesn’t know where he’d be working or how he’d survive without it but, in this instant, he can’t help but think she’s just as naive as Sirius is. “Being with a werewolf is insanity- I could kill him once a month or worse.”

 

“Anyone could kill their partner far more often than once a month Remus, that is not a werewolf speciality.” McGonagall states calmly. “Furthermore, Sirius is more than capable of protecting himself.”

 

“The stigma associated with being with a werewolf-” Remus begins but McGonagall cuts him off.

 

“I do believe Mr. Black came out as queer during his years here at Hogwarts, he is no stranger to people’s thoughts about being a so-called ‘undesirable’ and, if I may be frank Remus, I do not believe he gives a damn.” McGonagall says strong.

 

Remus’s jaw drops at the last part and he quickly closes it, flushing. He’s never felt more scolded in his life. “I-”

 

McGonagall hums, cutting him off. “Unless your next words are that you’re going to seek out Sirius, I suggest you hold onto them until I finish.” Remus closes his mouth, looking down at his desk. He feels like one of McGonagall’s students again. “Sirius is a fine young man and you two would be equally lucky to have each other. Your insistence to play the martyr is very Gryffindor of you but if I recall correctly, you were a Ravenclaw during your time here. So perhaps logic is the best way to appeal to you Remus.” She pauses and pushes her glasses up her nose. “Sirius is a grown man, just like you, who is capable of weighing the consequences of his actions and making the correct decision for himself. Do not give him the disservice of removing his choice.”

 

Remus pauses, thinking over her words. There’s a part of him that wants to hold out, to tell her no (to tell himself no) but… “you’re right.” He sighs after a moment, looking down at his desk. “I guess…” He trails off, not sure he wants to finish the thought aloud. _I guess I just wanted to protect myself from getting hurt by him._

 

He knows it was selfish, knows that this was the reason deep down. The fear that, when Sirius found out about him, all of him, he would leave Remus. McGonagall compared his refusal to Gryffindor when it was really an act of cowardice.

 

“What are you still doing here then, Mr. Lupin?” McGonagall raised an eyebrow. “Do you not have someone to chase down?”

 

“I- I’m working professor?” Remus says but it comes out more like a question.

 

“Hm, well, I do say the library will survive without you for a little while.” There was a twinkle in her eye as she turned around and left, leaving a speechless Remus in her wake.

 

Remus stood there for a moment, watching McGonagall’s retreating figure until her words full hit him and he all but raced out the door. Feet slapping hard against the stone floor, Remus flew down the hall and stairs, his feet taking him the familiar pathway to the transfiguration corridor.

 

He slows down to a fast walk, checking each classroom as he passes before, with the third door he checks, he finds Sirius’s room.

 

Sirius is walking between the rows of desks, checking each second years progress and helping those who need it. His hair is pulled back from his face, and he’s no longer wearing his cloak- just some tight black pants and a dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up. The most beautiful thing about him though, is his face. It’s completely lighten up, excitement written all over it as he helps one student turn his toad into a glass. Remus leans against the door, completely transfixed as Sirius teaches.

 

He glances at the watch around his wrist before finishing up what he was saying to the student and pulling away, heading to the front of the class. Remus moves quickly, hiding so he can’t be seen.

 

“Alright kids, don’t forget, you owe me a foot on one of this last weeks spells due tomorrow and try to practice this one tonight.” He calls, finishing his tidbit just before the bell rings. The class files out and within in moments, the hall is filled with students. None of them seem to be going into Sirius’s room though, and he doesn’t seem to be coming out of it either.

 

Remus takes a deep breath and quickly rounds the door’s corner, heading into the room before he can talk himself out of it.

 

“How may I-…” Sirius trails off abruptly when he looks up, realising that it’s Remus, not one of his students. “Remus.”

 

“Hi.” Remus says, rather lamely.

 

Sirius looks at him for a moment, as if trying to figure out whether or not Remus was actually there. “Hi?” He asks. “After what happened, you come and say hi?”

 

Remus winces. “I uh, I rather deserve that.”

 

Sirius nods. “I think you do, yeah.”

 

“I’ve come to apologise.” He says softly and this seems to catch Sirius’s attention.

 

“Apologise?”

 

Remus nods. “Yes, I was being a bit of a dick, I think.” He says decisively.

 

“And how’d you put that one together?” Sirius asks.

 

“McGonagall, actually.” Remus says honestly and receives a look of surprise from Sirius for it. “She’s rather fond of you.”

 

Sirius grins at him and Remus thinks his hearts stopped and he’s gone to heaven, because he’s never seen anything quite angelic. “Always knew Minnie was fond of me.”

 

“Minnie?” Remus can’t help but ask.

 

“Old nickname I’ve had for her for ages.” Sirius says. “But I do believe you were going to give me an apology…?”

 

Remus nods. “Yes, right well… I’m sorry.” He says firmly. “For making a decision for both of us, for think you didn’t understand the consequences of dating someone… someone like me.”

 

Sirius gets up from behind his desk and comes towards Remus. He stops when they’re maybe a foot apart. “I’m sorry too.”

 

“I- what?” Remus says, startled. “What’ve you got to apologise for?”

 

“You were right, I should’ve told you I was an animagus, it wasn’t fair.” Sirius says.

 

Remus’s eyes widen. “Oh I just- it’s not really comparable I think, to what I was holding out-” He cuts himself off, seeing the look of anger beginning to cross Sirius’s face. “I mean- yes, thank you. And I accept. Your apology I mean, I accept it.”

 

Sirius gives Remus a small smile. “Good decision.” He says softly, taking another step towards him. “And I accept yours too.” He adds as an afterthought.

 

Remus nods and takes a step forward as well. They’re standing toe-to-toe at this point, breathing each others air. “And uh, I was wondering if you maybe wanted to get a drink with me sometime?” He asks, voice barely above a whisper.

 

“Hmm…” Sirius hums but he leans forward, nose brushing against Remus’s. “That… could be arranged.”

 

Remus smiles softly and closes the gape between them.

**Author's Note:**

> [tumblr](http://festivetransteve.tumblr.com/)


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